Ok, I’ve decided to name him. From now on, I’ll refer to him (even though I promised myself not to write about him) as Allan. What can I say? I like A-names.
This week has been one of ups and downs – and it’s only Wednesday. Through it all, Allan has been there in a serious way. I’m so touched and grateful for his support and his presence in these situations (which I will explain) that I’m actually at a loss for words. It feels impossible to accurately put down on paper how grateful and touched and humbled and gracious and appreciative and embarrassed a bit and confused I am by Allan’s kindness and generosity and support. I’m actually sitting here with tears welling up in my eyes thinking about it.
Here’s what’s going on…maybe you can make heads or tails out of it:
On Monday, I officially started my new apartment search. I need to be out of my current apartment by June 1. To kick off the search, I went over to Allan’s seeking his help with the Hebrew website. We spent a good hour or so sifting through listings and he helped me gather about 7 that were call-worthy. This already seems like a major pain in the butt to do, so I was thankful.
On Tuesday (yesterday), I went to see the apartments during the day and actually found two that might have been workable. I wasn’t really sure about either of them though so I called Allan to bounce the ideas off of him. I told him that I would really like a second opinion and that I would buy him dinner for his trouble. He happily agreed, came right from work to one of the apartments, saw them both with me, and then talked me off the ledge of jumping into one of them that wasn’t the right one. “We still have plenty of time.” “We will keep looking. There’s no need to stress.” Not you. Not it’s your life, do what you want. We. THEN when I tried to buy him dinner as I promised, he turned around and took me to a really fancy Japanese restaurant and bought me dinner.
Then, last night, after being home from dinner for a few hours, there was something really wrong with my dog. I watched her get worse and worse as the night went on and around 11:30PM, I decided that I had seen enough and we needed a vet NOW. I called Allan in a panic. Jessie was not eating, not drinking, unable to lie down comfortably…she was standing the corner of the room facing the wall, and just panting really hard. Her heart was racing, she wouldn’t take a treat and she wouldn’t lie down with me. I didn’t know what was wrong with her. Was she poisoned by something? Was she in pain? This is all very out of character for her, who usually uses her tail as a wrecking ball as it wags and is always jumping up on the sofa and crawling all over me or constantly chewing on one of her many bones. PetWebMD said the staring and panting was a sign of a seizure or a neurological disorder so I panicked, calling Allan in scared tears. He jumped into action, found an open vet and met us there while I got Jessie out and into a cab.
Of course, as soon as she saw Allan her adrenaline kicked in and she appeared like everything was fine, embarrassing me greatly but I knew in my heart something was wrong with her despite the brave/normal face she was trying to show the world.
An hour later, we established that she had a fever and a high white blood cell count from some type of infection. We got antibiotics and a shot of painkiller to help her rest. Allan stayed with us the whole time, held her tightly when they were drawing blood, scratched her ears to calm her down and talked to the vet with me. Then the bill came. 500NIS for meds, the visit, and the tests. As I was about to give my credit card to the vet and ask to pay in two installments, Allan swooped in and insisted that he pay her vet bill. This was way too much. First a very expensive dinner and giving of his time to help me find an apartment, then being so proactive when Jessie was sick, and now paying for the vet? It’s too much. I tried to stop him and in the end, the best I could do was agree to let him pay half.
We left the vet; it was almost 1AM. We walked a bit to see how Jessie was responding to the medicines and then he invited us back to his place for a bit to relax. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone, but I wanted to and I agreed. We sat and talked and watched TV until about 2AM, then Jessie and I went home.
Of course, Allan called first thing this morning to check on Jessie. And of course, I texted him a long note of appreciation and gratitude that he is in my life and so supportive and present. His response? “It’s totally my pleasure! I was just really worried about the dog so it had nothing to do with you ;)”
All this behavior adds up to one basic conclusion for me. Allan is feeling things. Let me remind you, dear readers, we are not together. We haven’t ever been together officially. According to Allan, we will never be together and it’s not a good idea for us to be together. And yet… (Thank you Nicole Krauss: _History of Love_)
I have to learn how to accept help and accept love. It’s hard for me because I’m so used to doing everything on my own – or, reaching out for help and not receiving any. It’s so different with Allan though. He’s not obligated or required to be there for me and still he is, every time. And yet.
Well, like I’ve said before, I can’t predict the future and the best I can do is keep on keeping on and see where the road takes me. But, how could I or anyone ever say that I need to cut ties with this amazing man just because we’re not in a serious relationship? He might be the best man I have ever known and I’m lucky to have him in my life.