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Like the rest of woman-kind these days, I am reading 50 Shades of Grey. All I can say about it, is that the rumors are true. It’s hot; it’s steamy; it’s sexy; and, boy, it is distracting! For the last 4 days, I’ve successfully managed to do nothing but read these books (that’s right, folks, it’s a trilogy). I love it. I feel alive reading them, but not in a fantasy sort of way. In a “I’ve-been-there-and-miss-it” sort of way.

Confession time: Christian Grey is just half a shade darker than the most recent man I’ve been seeing on and off. In. Every. Way. Let’s see… he needs a blog-name… let’s call him Ben. OK, so Ben doesn’t have a “red room of pain,” or contracts, or millions of dollars at his disposal; but Ben and Christian are the same in bed. They say the same things, the seem to enjoy the same things, and they are both controlling in an “I-want-you-how-I-want-you-when-I-want-you” sort of way. It’s so hot. Click here to buy your copy and see what all the women are talking about and all the men are bitching about. 

It’s a problem, actually. That’s what I’m looking for. Someone who will just take me when and where he wants me. I’m down. I’ve had sex in some pretty ridiculous places, private and public. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I love sex. I love the feeling of being close to someone like that, the feeling of being overtaken by someone, of being vulnerable. I love sharing secrets with my partners (knowing glances, the cause of soreness, the origin of bruises). Ben used to say to me “You are going to be walking funny tomorrow and every time you move I want you to think about what we’re doing right now.” Ben used to make me beg for it sometimes. He was always so cool and collected, with this sly grin as he played my body like a musical instrument. Once, twice, three times in a matter of 4 or 5 hours. By the next morning he would joke with me and say “I’m not a machine! I’m too old for this and you’re going to break me.” He would always be able to rise to the occasion and it was always beyond satisfactory.

With Ben, though, there was no emotional connection, really. We could talk about life or about work, joke, or share anecdotes, but everything between us was built on sex. There were no “I love you’s,” no “you make me so happy’s.” Just “thanks for the good time” with a wide grin emanating from each of us. The sex was incredible; but even I know that sex is not enough to sustain a relationship.

Having been with a man once (not Ben) who did say the “I love you’s”, the “let’s get married’s”, the “have my children’s”, the “I miss you’s”, “I need you’s”, “you’re my everything’s,” etc. I know what it feels like to hear them. But, this man would say these just to get into my head, not because he truly meant them. This man, Joshua, said the things Christian Grey says sometime: “You’re mine,” etc. Because of this, I am grateful that Ben never tried to do that, although he and I both know that he could have. I appreciate his holding me at arm’s length and taking precautions to ensure that I don’t get too involved emotionally.We are basic level friends, but mostly it was just sex.

Ben is re-involved in an ex girlfriend, or so I hear. We talk, but talking was never really our strong suit. I want to see him. To bask in his energy; in his confidence. I’m a woman and I want to feel adored again. And reading this book is not helping.

Is what I’m looking for out there? Someone who says what Joshua used to but means it, someone who is comparable to Ben in the bedroom (or all over the apartment, or in restaurants, clubs, bars, cars, city parks, beaches..), and someone who loves me for me? I have to believe, yes.