Looking for the patterns in static, they start to make sense the longer I’m at it.
-Death Cab for Cutie
People create and leave patterns in their lives. Patterns in moods, patterns in likes and dislikes, patterns in dating. I am a firm believer that people can be a habit just like smoking or biting your nails. It’s so easy to get into the habit of talking to someone, seeing someone, sleeping with someone, etc. The trouble happens when you form a habit with the wrong person. It’s important to keep the habit in check.
I saw Ben last Monday! I won’t go into detail here, but Ben is someone I constantly have to make an effort to not let slip into a habit. Ben is a casual friend. He’s fun, great for blowing off steam with. He’s sexy and he’s fun to talk to. That’s where it has to stop.
I know myself very well and occasionally I have tremendous moments of clarity where I am outside of myself looking at me, and able to see what is happening. I know that when I feel tired, sick, worried, or stressed I start reaching out for male affection. Men give me the extra feeling that maybe I’m not in this alone; maybe if I need to lean on someone, that’s ok. Ironically, it’s when I start looking for the affection and reassurance that it most frequently disappears, showing me that I am strong enough to get through whatever is happening. I know myself well enough to know that as soon as I am feeling better, having weathered the storm, I stop obsessing, I stop wondering, I stop over-thinking.
Here’s the catch: I know that I haven’t met the right man for me yet, because I go through this process. I think, although I might be wrong about this, that when the right man is in my life, affection and support (in easy and hard times alike) will just come naturally and I won’t feel like I have to find it. He will just know what is happening from being involved and interested in my life. He will only be as selfish and narcissistic that there is still more for one more in his scope: me. He’s out there. I just haven’t met him yet.
I signed a lease on a new apartment in Tel Aviv yesterday. I’m excited and nervous and anxious about it. I have this feeling that just around the corner, life is going to really begin. School, formally, is almost over, I will find a job, I will furnish my apartment, and I will just be living my life. I’m anxious for it to start. And I’d love to talk to a man about this anxiety, but he is yet to be met. Sure, I’ll discuss it with Ben, but it’s not the same. Ben will come over and smile and congratulate me, give me high-fives and kisses (depending on his current situation), but Ben is just a good-times friend. And that is exactly what I need him to be.