Or in other words, “Bye-Bye, Ben?”
I’m PMS-ing. Hard. the last few days I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Ben. The Lifetime TV Network was showing the movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding” last night and during the part where Julia Roberts is getting advice to just finally tell Michael that she is in love with him, in my head I was thinking “I should just tell Ben that I’m in love with him and then he’ll stop seeing that girl and we can be together.” But, wait, what?! I’m not in love with Ben. I’m not. Am I a little obsessed with him because he’s smart and successful and funny and amaaazzing in bed? Yes. Duh. But, love?
I can’t be in love with someone who lies to the girl he’s seeing and cheats on her behind her back. I can’t be in love with someone who has an existential crisis every time he runs out of hash to smoke. Sure, he’s wonderful to his family and takes very good care of himself. He’s easy to talk to, but he’s unreliable (to me, anyway) and a little self-centered.
Why do I (or we, if other women have these problems) always assume that when we meet someone who is acceptable despite some major flaws, he will most likely be the LAST man I will ever be attracted to or have a connection with? Always. See? I recognize that this is a pattern and a problem AND that it is not true. Why won’t it stop?
The bottom line is that I cognitively know that Ben is not the last guy I will ever meet that I will really like. In fact, I’m sure of it. But, the in between time before you meet someone new is scary to me, especially after the string of weird men I have been meeting and seeing recently. When a new man just makes you miss Mr. Problematic, it’s a problem. It was Mr. Problematic (Ben) that got me over Mr. Ultra-Problematic (Josh). So, hopefully the next guy will be Mr. Not-So-Problematic (at least) and help me over the Ben-hump. (That pun was only kind of intended…)
Yes, I understand that sex is not the most important thing, but it is pretty damn important. Sex is not only healthy and fun, but I feel it’s how you connect with someone without using words. It’s what brings you closer with your partner that gives you the secret life you share that no one else is privy to. It is so important.
The next guy will have all the qualities I am looking for, right?
Anyway, I emailed Ben a few days ago to see if he wanted me to pick up anything for him while I am in the US. No response. I emailed him again today, suffering from my imagination running wild over the last couple days about how he must be upset with me, he’s over me, he’s done between us, whatever. Of course, just as I was making the decision that I would email one more time and if there was no response that would be it between us, he emailed me. Despite there not being any form of the word “babe” in his email like there used to be, his tone was easy and he made a US purchase request. If he didn’t want to see me again, he wouldn’t have asked me to pick him up something, right?
Aug. 1. Real life will start. Ben and I won’t be romantic. And Mr. Right must be just around the corner.