This is a post about James. You have been warned.
James and I broke up twice. The first time was a quasi-beginning of a break-up in January 2011. Then, we broke up for real right before I moved here in July 2011. Basically, from January to July, it was a long drawn-out process that was painful and confusing. But, moving here I thought we were done for good. And now, in January 2013, you would think that he would be completely out of my life.
Obviously, from posts over the last couple of months, you can tell that he still contacts me. I’m not sure why. Maybe he feels like I’m the “one who got away.” That fact is that even if that is true, I needed to get away and for my own well-being, I’m grateful that I did.
That being said, James will reach out to me every now and then, always playing his mind games. James is sort of a sociopath. He is incapable of just sending me an email and saying “Hi, How are you? I miss you. I’m good. Write back!” His emails are always cryptic, but they make references he knows I’ll understand. He posts on facebook on his wall youtube videos or links or lyrics that are meant for me to read/see. Poems, references from classic novels, quips from stories he’s told me. He enjoys the game of getting into someone’s mind. Frankly, he’s good at it. This is probably one of the sexiest [non-healthy] things about him. From a distance, though, this is also one of the most infuriating qualities about him.
We used to talk and swear that we were friends first before we were lovers. We discussed at length how if we ever had to break-up, our friendship would remain in tact. This, as it turned out was happily false. It took me some time of living here to see the picture clearly, but when I finally did it was as if the clouds lifted, the sea parted, the angels sang and I was free.
Yesterday, I got an email from him. A Charlie Brown quote. Something he used to tease me playfully with. That’s all. No greeting, no well wishes, no niceties. I didn’t respond to the email but I had it bouncing around in the back of my head for a portion of the day. He’s just bored, I told myself. He just wants attention, I rationalized. He wants to make sure he can still get a reaction out of me. Why send me that quote after all this time?
Then, this morning without having responded to his first email, I received another: “I’m single.”
Ok…why tell me this? Does he need a friend with a shoulder to cry on? Does he want me to congratulate him? Is he trying to see if I would be interested again now knowing he’s available?
Upon opening my eyes and reading this email, my very first thought and response to it was “Single from all 4 of the women you’ve been dating recently?” I have resisted the urge to send this as a response. It’s better not to respond at all, I’ve learned.
This is not the reaction of a friend. This is the reaction of someone that was once hurt and is still mad. If I email him and ask him or tell him to stop contacting me, he’ll only get pleasure from knowing that hearing from him affects me somehow.
I’m brought back to the time last August when he called me here in Israel to ask me why I didn’t sleep with him while I was in NYC. After a brief but pointed conversation about how much he is not good for me anymore, a video popped up on his facebook: “For No One” by The Beatles. I didn’t acknowledge it. Someone else commented about what a great song it is, and his response was “gets me every time.” This video and that response were meant for me. Maybe you think I’m self-centered for thinking that, but believe me when I say, that knowing James like I do, that was meant for me. Now, “Honey Pie,” also by the Beatles, is the most recent post. You do the math.