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I feel blocked. Blocked in my writing, blocked sexually, and blocked academically. I need to figure out how to uncork the dike. To jump-start my thesis process again, to get the creative juices flowing, to get release. Today, it’s been 50 days since I’ve had sex. 50 long days and 50 long nights. It’s not healthy. I can feel the tension and the stress piled up in my muscles. I catch myself staring at people, imagining what they are like in bed and finding myself either turned on or jealous of the IMAGINARY sex they are having in my head. I can’t be sure they are actually having these experiences I imagine, but nonetheless the fact remains that they are getting laid somehow and I am not.

It’s not fair. In my imagination, I’m not even the one getting laid. I was for a while, when I was experimenting with writing a romance novel. But, to be honest, those “imaginary” sex scenes were more memories than fantasies. There’s only so many times you can relive the same memory in your mind before even your id is bored. Is it possible to re-virginize? I think this might be happening to me.

Sex was always on my mind and always one of my most favorite topics to discuss. But now that I don’t seem to be having sex as regularly (see: ever) it is more on my mind than ever, believe it or not. But, as I get older, I find that not just anyone will do. There was a time when all I had to do to avoid a dry spell was to go out and have a one-night-stand, or call up a trustee friend with benefits. I know I must be growing up when a one-night-stand seems out of the question – a non-possibility. Even 50 days in, I still say that bad sex is worse than no sex. If I had a FWB situation here, which I don’t, I would probably still be open to that solution, but I’m not at a place in my life where I am interested in acquiring a new FWB. At a certain point, a girl doesn’t need anymore friends.

I have always loved the word lover. It’s just so beautiful to me. So sexy.

I remember a few years ago, I was out dancing with a group of friends, among them was an ex-boyfriend, Thomas. Thomas and I, having made a full circle back around from breaking up to now being very good friends, had at one point an amazing sex life together (or as amazing as it could have possibly been for a 19 year old girl and a 21 year old boy). Anyway, at age 24 – 2 years after breaking up – we were dancing together in this club when we both heard a girl behind us say “They must have amazing sex,“. Immediately interested in who they were talking about, we both turned to look, and she and a friend were staring at us. Flattered, we laughed, winked at them, smiled at each other and continued to dance. We weren’t even dancing that seriously! Of course, the sex I have now would put the sex I had then to shame… but that’s neither here nor there. The memory of [most] of those times is still a positive one in my head.

I can’t remember who I was talking to about this recently, but I explained to them that you can tell when two people have amazing sex with each other just by looking at them. Even if they are strangers to you and just walking down the street, or sitting and chatting. When two people have a healthy sex-life, they look like they share a secret. It’s difficult to pinpoint but it’s in the subtle ways they look at each other, their tone of voice, their body language, and especially in their laugh. Apparently, 24 year old me still shared the secret with 26 year old Thomas from 2 years prior.

The way you are in bed with your partner informs your whole relationship/friendship with them. And unless things end on a sour note, I would say it informs your relationship forever. People who share a fabulous love-life, share the secret details of what happens behind closed doors. When someone has a secret, the outsider can sense it and instinctively becomes intrigued.

Spotting the secret-sharing pair out in the world is rare. But, when it happens, it gives me hope that it’s out there again, somewhere. I’ve shared a secret before with a person or two. I’m confident that I will share a delicious secret with someone again. I’m choosy when it comes to my lovers, and this is probably one of the reasons why. There’s no reason to settle when you know what is possible.