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Ben Folds Five has a song that starts:

I met this girl, she looked like Axel Rose. Got drunk and took her home, and we slept in our clothes. In the morning, put my feet on the floor and I thought, “Being awake never felt like this before.”

Well, last weekend was Purim (aka the greatest holiday that ever holidayed) and I met a guy who was dressed like Axel Rose. I might add here that although I’m not necessarily an Axel fan, this guy was very attractive. We met while partying at a bar, we flirted, we exchanged numbers. The next day, we made plans for the day after. When we called, he said “Hi Polka-girl” which took me a minute to get. I was dressed as Pocahantas this year. I guess he didn’t realize that “Polka” brings up images of Polish people and/or polka-dots. It did, however, give me an awesome idea for my costume year! But that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, we met to get a drink last Tuesday. Axel, it turns out, is 26, attractive in normal clothes as well, and works at the airport. Axel is also one of those men who knows he is good looking. Instead of using this information to be fun and flirty with a twist of confidence, like Leon, he comes off as arrogant and standoffish. His body language was all weird at the bar, he kept looking around, checking his phone, not really smiling. So, I laid it out my cards on the table: I think you are very good looking. I don’t need to see you again after tonight, but I would like it very much if we had sex first.

This statement changed everything. The honest approach is my new tactic.

Anyway, we had one more drink, he took three shots (did I make him nervous?), then we left to come back to my place. The sex was really good, for the most part. Yes, it was very satisfying for me and I slept very well that night and the next night, but there were some weird things.

1. he is COMPLETELY hairless from the neck down to his boy-parts. This is not an exaggeration. Completely. Now, as important as it is for a man to maintain and landscape, I don’t want to feel like I’m sleeping with a prepubescent boy. It was bad enough that he was only 26, not turning 27 until October… I have a strict “no younger guys” policy for the reason that it makes me feel old. The missing hair everywhere was just the cherry on top. This was not a man. This was a boy.

2. The condom broke during round 1. Condoms break, it’s ok. It happens. I get it. My response to him, figuring it out was similar: “It did? Damn. It’s ok. I’m on the pill anyway.” Life goes on, right? Wrong. Apparently he’s never heard of “the pill.” Even when I clarified and said “birth control” he still didn’t know what I was talking about. Then, after he understood, he kept trying to convince me to go round 2 sans-condom. Just because I wasn’t going to wig-out over a broken condom the first time, doesn’t mean I want to willingly have unprotected sex with you, odds of weird diseases and where/who else you’ve been with be damned! I take sexual health very seriously. NOTHING and NO ONE is going to stop me from being able to have sex for THE REST OF MY LIFE. And that means I am extra careful and paranoid about STDs and pregnancy. Eventually he put on a condom for round 2, but he went through 3 before it “worked.” Maybe it was the booze. Maybe he was nervous. Who knows.

3. He wanted to stay. I kicked him out. I told him earlier in the night that I had work the next day very early so he couldn’t stay. I also told him that it was nice meeting him, but that I didn’t need to see him again. Neither of these things stuck. He reluctantly left at 2AM, when I had to get up at 7AM. Then, the next day at work, he kept sending me text messages. Can’t we just agree that one-night-stands should stay in their designated one-night?

In other news, Leon and I are still seeing each other here and there. This past week was very busy. There’s nothing serious brewing yet, but when/if it does, you all will be the 5th to know!

 

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