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Last night was date 3 with Todd. Truthfully, it went really well! We tried a restaurant that was new to both of us, we stopped by Taryn’s birthday party for about an hour, then we went back to his place and just relaxed. Yes, we slept together. Yes, I slept over afterwards and left this morning.

He’s really nice. He’s sweet. He’s demonstrative..very much so. He’s driven, he’s kind, he’s easy going.

So, what’s the problem?

I know this is going to sound completely bitchy and superficial of me…he’s not physically what I pictured myself ending up with. He’s got a bit of a tummy, he has swoopy hair, and he’s really pale. I know that these things are not the things that matter. And, knowing myself, if I start to have feelings for him, these things won’t matter.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel ready to declare if I have feelings for him or not yet. When I think about it, I didn’t like my ex boyfriend Sean for the first couple months that I first knew him and looked for every reason to not be close to him. Then, I came to fall deeply in love with him just a breath too late.

Todd’s not pressuring me. He’s patient and complements me often. Despite not speaking in blatant ways about how he feels about me, he is dropping hints. The way we slept holding hands for most of last night, the “meow”-like sounds he makes after we kiss, the way he leans towards me when we’re sitting and talking.

He wants to be a screen-play writer. He’s unemployed rig now living with help from his grandmother, but he seems to have a plan in the works for having a steady income. He also seems to work very hard at achieving his goal. I can appreciate that.

So, what’s the plan?

Nothing. I’m just going to keep on keeping-on. It was only date 3. I don’t need to make any decisions yet. In fact, I’m going to wait to hear from him.

When every other person I could be remotely interested in in my life is unavailable to me somehow, why shouldn’t I try something new and see where it takes me?

My ideal is this: a man with Sean’s sensitivity, Alex’s talent, James’s wit and intellect, Ben’s body and masculinity, and Alec’s smile, kindness and sense of humor. Where’s that guy when you need him?? Todd has Sean’s sensitivity and dreamer quality, Alex’s work ethic and drive, James’s body, nothing of Ben except maybe that he likes me, and so far nothing of Alec as well.. But maybe still waters run deep like mom always says they do.