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I just got a phone call from New Jersey. Thomas and his wife are going to have a baby.

Yes, Thomas and I broke up in 2008. Yes, I’ve dated many men since then and even loved one or two along the way. Yes, I was at Thomas and Melanie’s wedding in 2011 and I put on a happy supportive face for them. Deep down inside, though, every time I see him or hear about something like this, I can’t help but feel like he’s breaking my heart all over again.

In my heart, I’m fairly certain that Thomas was the one. And I screwed things up.

I loved Thomas. Like loved him with all of heart and soul. He was my first real love. I saw the man he was destined to become when he was nothing and had no confidence in himself and I loved him despite his flaws and hang ups. I saw what a good man he was inside and how he would be the best husband and the best father someday. I really thought we were going to get married. We were young, we dated for 3 years, we lived together for half that time. We supported each other, we laughed together, we had wonderfully meaningful conversations all the time. We saw each other through the hardest times and the best times.

I was right about it all, except we did not get married. In fact, Melanie is the girl he cheated on me with that broke us up. I guess that relationship was meant to be.

All of my friends thought I could do better than him. Apparently they were wrong, because i haven’t.

I know that I have an amazing life now, and I would not trade it for anything. But when I think about Thomas and Melanie having the life that I envisioned for the two of us all those years ago, it still stings.

I try to be happy for him and I think I do a good job of masking my hurt when we talk, all while my insides are screaming at me.

When will it stop hurting? When will I be able to confidently look back and say “he was not right for me?” When will I believe that everything worked out for the best?