I owe all of you a big apology.
I never wanted to disappear and I certainly never intended to. I wish I had a decent excuse for my disappearance but, I just don’t. I have a mediocre excuse, though, which I’ll get to in a minute. There have been many times over the last nine months where I have opened this blog with the full intention of writing but the words didn’t flow. At one point I even thought about abandoning this blog like a house that’s in too deep of debt and starting fresh. That didn’t flow either.
Why was I gone for so long? The real reason is that I got involved romantically with someone and as it became more and more serious, it also became more and more secretive. No one knew what we were doing and we thought that was for the best. I was a fully aware, consensual, and willing participant in this elicit affair. No, he’s not married. There were many outside factors and influences that made it complicated; but, I loved him and was ready to be as patient as need be to make it work.
Then, for reasons I cant get into here, the truth was exposed. Not only the truth about us to those that mattered the most, but the truth about how he was feeling about our situation. Shockingly – and sadly – it wasn’t the world finding out the truth that ended it; it was the truth about his feelings that did us in. It’s a cliche, tragic tale with no surprise ending.
You see, during this time the only thing I could think of to write about and frankly wanted to write about was him and this blinding affair I had fallen into, and I couldn’t. For fear that someone, anyone, would read about us and find out the truth I couldn’t write about it. No amount of pseudonyms or euphemisms felt opaque enough to get it out and protect our secret at the same time.
It was stupid, I know. I’m sorry. The end.
In other news, the last nine months were full of other exciting things as well:
I turned 30. This past summer was my 30th birthday and though I was nervous about relinquishing my 20’s to the pages of history, 30 has been pretty great so far. I’ve found a new confidence to just speak without too much concern for who might think what about me. I’m more comfortable in my own skin than ever – even my thick legs and big ass don’t seem to bother me the way they used to. Truly, I can’t recommend being 30 enough!
Operation Protective Edge happened. If you were in any way connected to the news this past summer, you might have heard that Israel and Gaza were engaged in another, for lack of a better term, war. It was an intense summer and I won’t lie: I spent most of it (prior to my birthday at the end) getting high and sitting on my sofa, watching the news and waiting for the next air raid siren to go off. It was scary, but mostly it was sad. So many young and innocent people on both sides lost their lives; every time a new name and picture of a young soldier would appear in the news, I would sob, my heart breaking for their mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends. And for what? Nothing. Nothing gained. Nothing won. Nothing changed. There are still tunnels burrowing into Israel (which, don’t get me started, is some scary shit). They still live under the extreme restrictions imposed on them by Israel (for our protection). No peace agreement was reached. Not even a real ceasefire was declared. It’s all too awful and too heartbreaking to recount every detail here, months later, but the war in 2012 (Operation Pillar of Defense) was nothing in comparison to this past summer. Experiencing air raid sirens multiple times a day, at any time of day or night does something to you mentally.
I got a dog!
I had been thinking about it for years and I always had an excuse not to, but a week before I turned 30, I decided now was the time. Her name is Jessi and she’s amazing. Yes, she’s a trouble maker too and the first couple months were stressful, trying to find a rhythm and forge a relationship with her, but she is the sweetest thing and has done so much for me already. I joke that she chose me more than I chose her at the shelter, but I think we equally needed each other. And she’s the inspiration for a children’s book idea that I’m mulling around in my head! More on that later.
My sister, Anne, came to visit. She came in the middle of the war. It was great!
My sister, Melissa, came to visit. She came in the middle of the school year. It was less great. At least she had a good time.
My sister, Robin, decided she wants a relationship with me. Two weeks of high emotions and emails and anxiety, all culminated in…nothing. I wish I could say I was surprised, but no. It was just her trying to stir up drama between my mom and I and when she saw it wasn’t working, she gave up her plan and went back to leaving me alone and forgetting I exist.
I went to NYC for Christmas. I was there for seven days. Of those seven days I had a really great three days. Family is hard, man. Especially when you only see them one week out of the year. It really puts the pressure on.
And now? I’m back. I can’t promise I won’t disappear again, because I can’t see the future all the time, but I do promise that for now I’ll make an active effort to write again like I used to. I have missed it. And I have missed you.
A big thank you to Jade for a comment she left me recently, which really gave me the confidence to reopen Little Girl/Strange World. ❤