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Last night, I spilled the extreme frustration I was feeling before I was supposed to go out on that second date… well, if you’re curious, I did end up canceling and I definitely made the right decision.

After getting my mom’s opinion on the situation, the answer was clear: if I went out, I wouldn’t have had a good time. The night had already started on the wrong foot. What girl wants to hear right before a date “can we meet later because my nap and hummus were more important than keeping my date with you?” Not me, that’s for sure.

So, after thinking about it and venting, I texted him and said “hey listen I’ve been thinking and since you already postponed and it doesn’t sound like you have a plan for tonight maybe we should just go out another night. I’m not in the mood to wander aimlessly after the busy week I had.” There was some back-and-forthing after that, but my decision was already made and he seemed to understand. Not that I was looking for understanding from him.

But since I had already showered, picked out clothes, and painted my nails, I could not let the night go to waste. I called my friend (the complicated one…I need to come up with a name for him…) and asked if he was busy. He said he didn’t have plans and I said I wanted to go out so he suggested I go over to his place and we take it from there.

Within minutes of walking into his apartment, I asked “what’s the plan?” And he had one! He suggested we go get a drink at a local beer garden pub. Perfect! No coaching, no story, no stress. A man with a plan!

We walked to the pub, shared a bottle of wine and some food, talked for hours and went back to his place. Things with him are so easy and good. When he asked what my original plan for the night was, I told him about the date and how I canceled and why. It was strange to tell him that I’m actively dating (since things between us are muddy and complicated when it comes to commitment – i.e. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me, but he’s not asking.) But, after hearing the story of my night, he totally agreed with me that I’m not asking for too much and that I did the right thing.

Here’s a bit of background on him:

We’ve been romantically involved (see: having sex) for over a year. We were good friends for a year before we became involved. The sex brought us closer. Sex turned into feelings (for both of us) but where I was willing and excited to take the leap into committed relationship status with him, he was not. It wasn’t a “why buy the cow” scenario because there were a lot of extenuating circumstances making things more difficult for him than for me, so I hung in there. Recently, we decided (for the 5th time) that us having sex isn’t helping anyone or doing us any favors so if we’re not going to be together for real, then we should just un-complicate things and just be platonic friends. That works for a while but we always end up back in bed every now and then. We know each others’ siblings and get along well with them. We are good with each others’ friends too. He’s smart, sexy, funny, warm hearted, kind, and reliable. He has some minor flaws as well that just add character to him and certainly do not detract from all the amazing things about him. I love him. He’s important to me. Am I in love with him? I don’t think so…but I think I could be if he would give me permission to fall. For now, there’s no falling because it would just be falling into a deep dark hole with no good ending in sight – mainly because he still doesn’t see us as ever being able to successfully be together. But there is love. Big love.

Now you know. Most of it. There’s more, but it’s not relevant just now.

When I told him yesterday that I was supposed to go on a second date, it was the first time I ever brought up that I am actively seeing other people. We’ve talked in the past about how we’re both using dating apps with little to no success and we’ve even been matched (and liked each other!) on tinder. You would think that would have been awkward, but it wasn’t. Anyway, I think I told him the truth about my night so that he could 1. see that I’m not sitting around waiting for him and that any moment I could meet someone and he could lose me and 2. that I’m extremely picky and have standards. It’s important for me to be honest with him and there’s no reason not to be. This isn’t a tactic; it’s just the simple truth. He already knew the second point from past dating stories but I felt like it was important for him to see that I don’t just fall for anyone and that he should feel pretty special to be someone I feel strongly about. I’m not looking for a man for the sake of being in a relationship. I’m looking for my happy ending with the right man.

In the end, we had a great night. Yes, sex was involved and that was great too (it always is with him). Even though I don’t know what is going on between us or if anything will ever be more serious, I’m ok just doing what I’m doing. I’m dating and I’ve got him as my best friend and occasional lover. I have a good life filled with happiness and love in many forms. I’m a lucky girl.

A lot of people say I won’t be able to meet someone while I’m still involved with him and to just cut him off so I can move on. Life isn’t black and white. Life cannot be lived in extremes and feelings are not an all-or-nothing phenomenon with me.

If I meet someone special tomorrow, great. If he wakes up tomorrow and says “it’s you, it’s always been you,” even better. What will be will be; the best I can do is enjoy the ride.